Ok, so I never finished writing a review for the "Boundaries" book and started reading another book. It's the sanguine in me. But, I will eventually write the part 2 review for the "Boundaries" book.
This new book I'm reading is for a very specific audience - moms with daughters. It's a REALLY good book so far - the sort of book I find to be very helpful. Full of genuine, frank, diverse advice for moms. It's not preachy or full of fluff. The things she writes about are right-on and she gives lots of inspiring ideas too. Sure, she's more traditional than your typical Xenos mom, but that's true of any Christian parenting book. You can take some of the Christian-culture things with a grain of salt. The thing I really love so far is that one page will have facts about eating disorders and then the next page will have a box filled with classic mom-daughter movie choices. It is exactly that sort of thing that will inspire a mom to have good quality interactions with her daughter.
"You will probably be surprised one day when you ask your daughter what she remembers most about your times together. Most often it isn't the grand, planned, mother-daughter occasions - but the small kindnesses, the little notes on her pillow or in her lunch box, the "folding laundry and watching a video" times of coziness and warmth and fun." - p.20
If you are a mother of a daughter aged 5-15, you should probably buy this book and look at it occasionally. I rented this copy from the library - but, I plan on buying a copy to keep. I'll write a longer review when I finish it - it's possible that the book will go downhill from here and if that's the case, I'll let y'all know.
Showing posts with label parent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parent. Show all posts
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
CARE group teaching - children and nature
Simple pleasures: teaching your kids to love nature
1. Intro =
“The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children.”
-Elain Heffner
“Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9NLT). Our Lord never promises that anything will be easy. He promises only His presence and power, and that is always enough.” – Campbell, How to Really Parent Your Child
5 Groups of Wise Virtues
a. Truth-seeking*, Honesty, Wisdom
b. Faith* and Hope
c. Humility*, Open-mindedness*, Self-criticality, Nondefensiveness
d. Ardor*, Vigilance*, Fortitude*
e. Fidelity to God and dedication to His cause as one’s chief end
- Love Your God With All Your Mind by: J.P. Moreland
Antithesis = Death By Suburb!
Snapshot (The ugly truth)= Boredom, Sensate (Electronic images), No free time, “scared stupid”, more dependant, addicted to stimulation, narcissistic, spoiled/excess, growing up too fast, lack of physical health, lack of emotional health (antidepressants, Ritalin), shorter attention span, role confusion (kids parenting parents), less creativity, losing some skills that used to be a given (spelling, cursive, gardening, fishing, building a fire), are we becoming Wall-E people??
“Cultural Autism” – “The symptoms? Tunneled senses, and feelings of isolation and containment” – Last Child in the Woods p.64
“Nature-deficit disorder” – “Nature-deficit disorder describes the human cost of alienation from nature, among them: diminished use of senses, attention difficulties, and higher rates of physical and emotional illnesses.” - - Last Child in the Woods p.36
Death By Suburb
1. The Problem: Worldliness
a. Environmental Effect:
“The space around us – the physical organization of neighborhoods, roads, yards, houses, and apartments – sets up living patterns that condition our behavior.” –Kenneth Jackson “Crabgrass Frontier”
b. Envy/ Coveting
c. Self-Love – comfort, narcissism, who you are to others
d. Busy and Chaotic Life
e. “Immortality Symbols”
“An immortality symbol is not really about the thing. It’s not about baseball. It’s not really about my child. It’s about the glory that the thing bestows on me.” P.42
-what we call idolatry, identity
f. “Shirking”
“Shirkers are religious folk who inadvertently disengage from the suffering of the world and who unwittingly collect to themselves every available religious experience.” P.100
“The flow of Shirker Religion is all one direction: toward me” p.112
Viewing spiritual things as entertainment – a spectator sport; I go to sponge some stuff out of it, but not necessarily to do anything for anyone else.
g. Utilitarian “Transactional” Friendships
“Intimacy is the one thing in…church that everyone craves but few seem to have. You can’t use relationships as a means to position yourself in life and then also expect to experience in them the kind of friendship that sweetens life and takes the edge off its hard parts.” P.154
h. Utilitarian “Transactional” Relationship with God
-Quid Pro Quo
2. Some Spiritual Solutions: 8 spiritual practices to counteract our environmental toxins
#1 Inside Space
- Contemplating the Supernatural
- Prayer, Sabbath, and Solitude
- Listening to God
“becoming still…And to stop the scheming inside my head.” P.32
- Gradual vs. Instant
“It’s not easy to sit and trust that in solitude God will speak to you – not as a magical voice but that He will let you know something gradually over the years (Nouwen)” p.32
#2 The Journey Through Self
- “This purification process…is not a journey into my own inwardness, it is a journey through myself, to emerge from the deepest level into the place He is, the point at which God and I meet.(Bloom)” p.44
- Jn. 3:30 “He must increase, I must decrease.”
- Recognizing and Combating Self-Love
“Self…the inner voice that suggests you live for yourself. The voice of self-love is even more powerful than the voice of the serpent. (Fenelon) p.49-50
“The biggest problem in any church I attend is my love of self.” P.140
“Is this continual resistance [to God] due to the fact that He has not given you what you want in a way that will flatter your ego? (Fenelon)” p.179-180
- Needing God
“the presence of Jesus would be found not in met needs but in unmet expectations and perceived need…the end of myself.” P.192
#3 Loving the Unlovely
- Counteracting Coveting
- Change the direction of our gaze
“Instead of riveting my gaze on the possessions of others economically above me, I do an about-face. I turn to face the person whom I perceive to have less than I…opening ourselves up to people in and with whom God seems to be most active.” P.72
“There must be something about beholding the Holy within that pushes you back to the street.” P.46
- “Mortality Symbols”
#4 Remembering Laughter / Having grace in difficult times
- Making peace with our allotment of suffering
- The difference between bitter old woman and happy old woman
- Suffering = the enemy of self-love (suffering isn’t the worst thing in the world)
p.52
“It’s good to learn early enough that suffering and God are not a contradiction but rather a unity, for the idea that God Himself is suffering is one that has always been one of the most convincing teachings of Christianity. I think God is nearer to suffering than happiness, and to find God in this way gives peace and rest and a strong and courageous heart (Bonhoeffer)” p.94-95
#5 Pursuing action/ Obedience
- Shirking vs. Obedience – Putting our faith into action
#6 Staying put in Your Community
“Only in relationships that permit no bailing out can certain forms of spiritual development occur. Marriage is one. Church is another.” P.140
“Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we’re fortunate with ourselves…only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all it’s unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it.” -Bonhoeffer
#7 Finding and Keeping Good Friends
“there is always a little humility on the part of each toward the others; with all my friends, I feel lucky to be counted as one.(C.S.Lewis)”
“[Friendship] heightens the joys of prosperity and mitigates the sorrows of adversity by dividing and sharing them.(Aelred)” p.162
“In friendship I can say I have felt the grace of God.” P.166
#8 Pursuing Time
“There is a realm of time where the goal is not to have but to be, not to own but to give, not to control but to share, not to subdue but to be in accord…spiritual life begins to decay when we fail to sense the grandeur of what is eternal in time (Heschel)” p.176
“Christian contemplation begins at the point where the meaning of the swiftly flowing surface of earthly events is broken to reveal their relation to heaven (Hans Urs von Balthasar)” p.190
3. His conclusion: Mending
“Entropy is nowhere more at work than in one’s spiritual energy and good intentions…Mending must be an ongoing continual activity. Entrance into the deeper spiritual life is by way of obedience in the small things…mending one’s life, making small adjustments on a regular basis to avoid the speed and clutter of modern living.” P.184
Thesis = Teaching our Kids to Love Nature and Stillness
Benefits of nature?
- Physical health
- Emotional health (Nature is a stress reducer)
- Instills a sense of wonder; combats a know-it-all attitude
- Heightens senses and independence
- Helps teach us to pay attention
- Quiet
- Helps develop patience
- Produces creativity – poets, artists, craftsmen
- Produces confidence/competence
- Produces intelligence
- Promotes community and relationships more so than indoor activities
- Adults and children experience camaraderie (WW “What is grass?”)
- Nature is free, and enjoying it loosens the hold that materialism has on us
- It connects us with people around the world and throughout time
- Produces bravery and danger and adventure --- also fun
Theology of Nature
1. We can know all about God through nature
Romans 1:20 “For His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly understood, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So, they are without excuse.”
Psalm 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork.”
Psalm 139:14 “I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and my soul knows that full well.”
Psalm 29:9 “The voice of the Lord makes the deer give birth and strips the forests bare, and in His temple all cry, ‘Glory!’”
2. God is the Maker, Owner, and Sustainer of all the earth
Psalm 24:1 “The earth is the Lord’s and all it contains, the world and all who dwell in it.”
1 Cor. 8:6 “For there is but one God, the Father, from whom are all things, and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him.”
Job 34:14-15 “If He should set His heart to it and gather to Himself His spirit and His breath, all flesh would perish together and man would return to dust.”
3. God is a Creator, and made us with the ability to be creative too
4. We are stewards of the earth
5. When we threw off God’s leadership of the earth, the earth became wild and now “groans” waiting to be redeemed again
6. We are not to worship the earth or “created things” (Rm. 1)
7. This earth is temporary, eventually God will make “all things new”
Nature Lovers:
Certain people will be drawn to nature more than others
Types of intelligence:
1. Linguistic intelligence (word smart)
2. Logical-mathematical intelligence (number/reason smart)
3. Spatial intelligence (picture smart)
4. Kinesthetic intelligence (body smart)
5. Musical intelligence (music smart)
6. Interpersonal intelligence (people smart)
7. Intrapersonal intelligence (self smart)
8. Naturalist intelligence (nature smart)
-Howard Gardner, Harvard University 1983
Feeling Close to God Through:
1. Nature
2. Senses
3. Traditions
4. Solitude
5. Activism
6. Relationships
7. Celebration
8. Contemplation
9. Intellect
-Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways
Practical Advice =
1. Think about something that inspired you – re-learn it with your kids
2. Think about “nearby nature” in your community
3. Think about how we see and appreciate attributes of God in nature
4. Talk about being counter-cultural. Question “must-have” things and activities together as a family
5. Metro Parks have amazing programs all year round. Get a bulletin or go online
6. Zoo, FPC, Slate Run Historical Farm, Smith’s Dairy, State Fair
7. Older kids would enjoy something a bit rougher – caving, white-water rafting, biking through a state park, canoeing, snorkeling, rock-climbing
8. Kids of all ages can get into camping or family trips – even day trips!
9. Get non-fiction books from the library for young kids about animals, plants, the earth itself, etc..
10. Use a gimmick to get into nature – rock tumbler, microscope, bug net/home, telescope, binoculars, bird feeder, field guides
11. Plant a garden together
12. Make goals to visit different states/ parks.
13. Read stories set in nature: Jack London books “Call of the Wild”, “White Fang”; “Little House on the Prairie”; Gene Straton Porter books “Girl of the Limerlost”, etc.; “Trupet of the Swans”; “Treasure Island”; “Caddie Woodlawn”
14. Watch movies with a message about nature – “Alaska”, “Wall-E”, “Fern Gully” and watch nature documentaries “Planet Earth”
15. Do nature crafts together – “Let’s Make a Memory” etc..
16. Do community service projects that involve working outdoors
17. “Creative Punishments”
18. 4H, summer camps, etc..
19. Take a night walk with no lights – let your eyes adjust to the dark and get spooked out together
20. Set boundaries about tech-stimulation
21. Take time out of your busy schedules to enjoy each other and nature
“I am afraid that just as the serpent deceived Eve in his cunning, your thoughts also might be led away from the simplicity of devotion to Christ.” – 2 Cor. 11:3
1. Intro =
“The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children.”
-Elain Heffner
“Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9NLT). Our Lord never promises that anything will be easy. He promises only His presence and power, and that is always enough.” – Campbell, How to Really Parent Your Child
5 Groups of Wise Virtues
a. Truth-seeking*, Honesty, Wisdom
b. Faith* and Hope
c. Humility*, Open-mindedness*, Self-criticality, Nondefensiveness
d. Ardor*, Vigilance*, Fortitude*
e. Fidelity to God and dedication to His cause as one’s chief end
- Love Your God With All Your Mind by: J.P. Moreland
Antithesis = Death By Suburb!
Snapshot (The ugly truth)= Boredom, Sensate (Electronic images), No free time, “scared stupid”, more dependant, addicted to stimulation, narcissistic, spoiled/excess, growing up too fast, lack of physical health, lack of emotional health (antidepressants, Ritalin), shorter attention span, role confusion (kids parenting parents), less creativity, losing some skills that used to be a given (spelling, cursive, gardening, fishing, building a fire), are we becoming Wall-E people??
“Cultural Autism” – “The symptoms? Tunneled senses, and feelings of isolation and containment” – Last Child in the Woods p.64
“Nature-deficit disorder” – “Nature-deficit disorder describes the human cost of alienation from nature, among them: diminished use of senses, attention difficulties, and higher rates of physical and emotional illnesses.” - - Last Child in the Woods p.36
Death By Suburb
1. The Problem: Worldliness
a. Environmental Effect:
“The space around us – the physical organization of neighborhoods, roads, yards, houses, and apartments – sets up living patterns that condition our behavior.” –Kenneth Jackson “Crabgrass Frontier”
b. Envy/ Coveting
c. Self-Love – comfort, narcissism, who you are to others
d. Busy and Chaotic Life
e. “Immortality Symbols”
“An immortality symbol is not really about the thing. It’s not about baseball. It’s not really about my child. It’s about the glory that the thing bestows on me.” P.42
-what we call idolatry, identity
f. “Shirking”
“Shirkers are religious folk who inadvertently disengage from the suffering of the world and who unwittingly collect to themselves every available religious experience.” P.100
“The flow of Shirker Religion is all one direction: toward me” p.112
Viewing spiritual things as entertainment – a spectator sport; I go to sponge some stuff out of it, but not necessarily to do anything for anyone else.
g. Utilitarian “Transactional” Friendships
“Intimacy is the one thing in…church that everyone craves but few seem to have. You can’t use relationships as a means to position yourself in life and then also expect to experience in them the kind of friendship that sweetens life and takes the edge off its hard parts.” P.154
h. Utilitarian “Transactional” Relationship with God
-Quid Pro Quo
2. Some Spiritual Solutions: 8 spiritual practices to counteract our environmental toxins
#1 Inside Space
- Contemplating the Supernatural
- Prayer, Sabbath, and Solitude
- Listening to God
“becoming still…And to stop the scheming inside my head.” P.32
- Gradual vs. Instant
“It’s not easy to sit and trust that in solitude God will speak to you – not as a magical voice but that He will let you know something gradually over the years (Nouwen)” p.32
#2 The Journey Through Self
- “This purification process…is not a journey into my own inwardness, it is a journey through myself, to emerge from the deepest level into the place He is, the point at which God and I meet.(Bloom)” p.44
- Jn. 3:30 “He must increase, I must decrease.”
- Recognizing and Combating Self-Love
“Self…the inner voice that suggests you live for yourself. The voice of self-love is even more powerful than the voice of the serpent. (Fenelon) p.49-50
“The biggest problem in any church I attend is my love of self.” P.140
“Is this continual resistance [to God] due to the fact that He has not given you what you want in a way that will flatter your ego? (Fenelon)” p.179-180
- Needing God
“the presence of Jesus would be found not in met needs but in unmet expectations and perceived need…the end of myself.” P.192
#3 Loving the Unlovely
- Counteracting Coveting
- Change the direction of our gaze
“Instead of riveting my gaze on the possessions of others economically above me, I do an about-face. I turn to face the person whom I perceive to have less than I…opening ourselves up to people in and with whom God seems to be most active.” P.72
“There must be something about beholding the Holy within that pushes you back to the street.” P.46
- “Mortality Symbols”
#4 Remembering Laughter / Having grace in difficult times
- Making peace with our allotment of suffering
- The difference between bitter old woman and happy old woman
- Suffering = the enemy of self-love (suffering isn’t the worst thing in the world)
p.52
“It’s good to learn early enough that suffering and God are not a contradiction but rather a unity, for the idea that God Himself is suffering is one that has always been one of the most convincing teachings of Christianity. I think God is nearer to suffering than happiness, and to find God in this way gives peace and rest and a strong and courageous heart (Bonhoeffer)” p.94-95
#5 Pursuing action/ Obedience
- Shirking vs. Obedience – Putting our faith into action
#6 Staying put in Your Community
“Only in relationships that permit no bailing out can certain forms of spiritual development occur. Marriage is one. Church is another.” P.140
“Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we’re fortunate with ourselves…only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all it’s unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it.” -Bonhoeffer
#7 Finding and Keeping Good Friends
“there is always a little humility on the part of each toward the others; with all my friends, I feel lucky to be counted as one.(C.S.Lewis)”
“[Friendship] heightens the joys of prosperity and mitigates the sorrows of adversity by dividing and sharing them.(Aelred)” p.162
“In friendship I can say I have felt the grace of God.” P.166
#8 Pursuing Time
“There is a realm of time where the goal is not to have but to be, not to own but to give, not to control but to share, not to subdue but to be in accord…spiritual life begins to decay when we fail to sense the grandeur of what is eternal in time (Heschel)” p.176
“Christian contemplation begins at the point where the meaning of the swiftly flowing surface of earthly events is broken to reveal their relation to heaven (Hans Urs von Balthasar)” p.190
3. His conclusion: Mending
“Entropy is nowhere more at work than in one’s spiritual energy and good intentions…Mending must be an ongoing continual activity. Entrance into the deeper spiritual life is by way of obedience in the small things…mending one’s life, making small adjustments on a regular basis to avoid the speed and clutter of modern living.” P.184
Thesis = Teaching our Kids to Love Nature and Stillness
Benefits of nature?
- Physical health
- Emotional health (Nature is a stress reducer)
- Instills a sense of wonder; combats a know-it-all attitude
- Heightens senses and independence
- Helps teach us to pay attention
- Quiet
- Helps develop patience
- Produces creativity – poets, artists, craftsmen
- Produces confidence/competence
- Produces intelligence
- Promotes community and relationships more so than indoor activities
- Adults and children experience camaraderie (WW “What is grass?”)
- Nature is free, and enjoying it loosens the hold that materialism has on us
- It connects us with people around the world and throughout time
- Produces bravery and danger and adventure --- also fun
Theology of Nature
1. We can know all about God through nature
Romans 1:20 “For His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly understood, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So, they are without excuse.”
Psalm 19:1 “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims His handiwork.”
Psalm 139:14 “I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and my soul knows that full well.”
Psalm 29:9 “The voice of the Lord makes the deer give birth and strips the forests bare, and in His temple all cry, ‘Glory!’”
2. God is the Maker, Owner, and Sustainer of all the earth
Psalm 24:1 “The earth is the Lord’s and all it contains, the world and all who dwell in it.”
1 Cor. 8:6 “For there is but one God, the Father, from whom are all things, and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him.”
Job 34:14-15 “If He should set His heart to it and gather to Himself His spirit and His breath, all flesh would perish together and man would return to dust.”
3. God is a Creator, and made us with the ability to be creative too
4. We are stewards of the earth
5. When we threw off God’s leadership of the earth, the earth became wild and now “groans” waiting to be redeemed again
6. We are not to worship the earth or “created things” (Rm. 1)
7. This earth is temporary, eventually God will make “all things new”
Nature Lovers:
Certain people will be drawn to nature more than others
Types of intelligence:
1. Linguistic intelligence (word smart)
2. Logical-mathematical intelligence (number/reason smart)
3. Spatial intelligence (picture smart)
4. Kinesthetic intelligence (body smart)
5. Musical intelligence (music smart)
6. Interpersonal intelligence (people smart)
7. Intrapersonal intelligence (self smart)
8. Naturalist intelligence (nature smart)
-Howard Gardner, Harvard University 1983
Feeling Close to God Through:
1. Nature
2. Senses
3. Traditions
4. Solitude
5. Activism
6. Relationships
7. Celebration
8. Contemplation
9. Intellect
-Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways
Practical Advice =
1. Think about something that inspired you – re-learn it with your kids
2. Think about “nearby nature” in your community
3. Think about how we see and appreciate attributes of God in nature
4. Talk about being counter-cultural. Question “must-have” things and activities together as a family
5. Metro Parks have amazing programs all year round. Get a bulletin or go online
6. Zoo, FPC, Slate Run Historical Farm, Smith’s Dairy, State Fair
7. Older kids would enjoy something a bit rougher – caving, white-water rafting, biking through a state park, canoeing, snorkeling, rock-climbing
8. Kids of all ages can get into camping or family trips – even day trips!
9. Get non-fiction books from the library for young kids about animals, plants, the earth itself, etc..
10. Use a gimmick to get into nature – rock tumbler, microscope, bug net/home, telescope, binoculars, bird feeder, field guides
11. Plant a garden together
12. Make goals to visit different states/ parks.
13. Read stories set in nature: Jack London books “Call of the Wild”, “White Fang”; “Little House on the Prairie”; Gene Straton Porter books “Girl of the Limerlost”, etc.; “Trupet of the Swans”; “Treasure Island”; “Caddie Woodlawn”
14. Watch movies with a message about nature – “Alaska”, “Wall-E”, “Fern Gully” and watch nature documentaries “Planet Earth”
15. Do nature crafts together – “Let’s Make a Memory” etc..
16. Do community service projects that involve working outdoors
17. “Creative Punishments”
18. 4H, summer camps, etc..
19. Take a night walk with no lights – let your eyes adjust to the dark and get spooked out together
20. Set boundaries about tech-stimulation
21. Take time out of your busy schedules to enjoy each other and nature
“I am afraid that just as the serpent deceived Eve in his cunning, your thoughts also might be led away from the simplicity of devotion to Christ.” – 2 Cor. 11:3
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads by R. Wiseman
I read the first 4 chapters of this book today; I also own her more famous previous book: "Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence" This is not a Christian book, and so you have to read it with Biblical wisdom in the back of your mind trumping the worldly ideas; however, I think that she makes some really interesting and astute observations about social dynamics.
In the Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads book, the author is trying to demystify some of the weird social pressures we feel as parents. Like zombies we all start doing things like: dads = organize the garage and make the lawn nice. Moms = go to the school and talk to the principle about getting our kid in the gifted program. These pressures come from our ideas of what a real man is like, or what a real woman is like. For example: a real man can talk about sports, mow the lawn, provide for his family, and not be controlled by his wife. A real woman can look great, be busy all the time, have well-behaved children, and have a lot of friends. Some parents thrive in these conditions (the Queen Bees and the Kingpins), but others languish and feel hopeless (the Wannabes).
It's really thought-provoking to see these ideals being questioned. Even though this is from a liberal/modern point of view - which in reality has it's own set of standards (i.e. each couple is perfectly 50/50 in everything, we're green, we teach tolerance, we don't discipline, etc..)- I think it's good to smash down some of the bullcrap icons we have in our heads about what is really important in life. They should be replaced, of course, by God's values and priorities rather than just some other set of human standards. But, it is still helpful to think through. If we choose to speak to the principal and mow the lawn - it should be because we want to and think it's right - not because we blindly follow a worldly standard of social pressure.
She speaks out against racism, violence/bullying, and extreme pressure. She also makes the point that we, as parents, should resist the temptation to take identity from our children's success. It's an iconoclastic work to be sure, but I realised when reading it, that it is more of a sequel than a stand-alone book - and I really should read the other book first (Queen Bees and Wannabes). So, I will have more to say on these books later.
In the Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads book, the author is trying to demystify some of the weird social pressures we feel as parents. Like zombies we all start doing things like: dads = organize the garage and make the lawn nice. Moms = go to the school and talk to the principle about getting our kid in the gifted program. These pressures come from our ideas of what a real man is like, or what a real woman is like. For example: a real man can talk about sports, mow the lawn, provide for his family, and not be controlled by his wife. A real woman can look great, be busy all the time, have well-behaved children, and have a lot of friends. Some parents thrive in these conditions (the Queen Bees and the Kingpins), but others languish and feel hopeless (the Wannabes).
It's really thought-provoking to see these ideals being questioned. Even though this is from a liberal/modern point of view - which in reality has it's own set of standards (i.e. each couple is perfectly 50/50 in everything, we're green, we teach tolerance, we don't discipline, etc..)- I think it's good to smash down some of the bullcrap icons we have in our heads about what is really important in life. They should be replaced, of course, by God's values and priorities rather than just some other set of human standards. But, it is still helpful to think through. If we choose to speak to the principal and mow the lawn - it should be because we want to and think it's right - not because we blindly follow a worldly standard of social pressure.
She speaks out against racism, violence/bullying, and extreme pressure. She also makes the point that we, as parents, should resist the temptation to take identity from our children's success. It's an iconoclastic work to be sure, but I realised when reading it, that it is more of a sequel than a stand-alone book - and I really should read the other book first (Queen Bees and Wannabes). So, I will have more to say on these books later.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
"All You Need to Know About Raising Girls"
A book by Melissa Trevathan and Sissy Goff, this book is the one Amazon recommended to me as a complimentary book to "Wild Things: the Art of Nurturing Boys". Here is the Amazon page for it: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Girls-Melissa-Trevathan/dp/0310272890/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b
When I started reading this book, I was surprised and glad to see what a Christian focus it took - there was no trying to be sly about Christianity in this book. But, I was dismayed when I read that book authors were older women who were counselors and yet had never been married and never had children. I wondered how I could take their advice seriously, when I would be able to write off everything they said with the old, "Well, they've never lived this out. and they don't know what it's really like outside of the clinical environment." However, I came to repent of that attitude as I realised that they actually had an objective voice (or voices) that I did respect. Moms can tend to view, or skew things in a way that is biased by their own experiences; but these women didn't have that at all.
That being said, I think overall it was a helpful book - but a lot lighter fare than "Wild Things: the Art of Nurturing Boys". Although the authors spoke more about being a Christian parent; they also tended to tell a lot of stories and spend time on what I might call "fluff".
It does go into all the relationships in a girls life: her and her mother, her and her father, her and her siblings, her and her grandparents, etc.. And I think the descriptions of the different developmental stages were pretty accurate. So, the book does get my recommendation - just be aware that there is some "fluff" and that the authors are not parents.
-j-
When I started reading this book, I was surprised and glad to see what a Christian focus it took - there was no trying to be sly about Christianity in this book. But, I was dismayed when I read that book authors were older women who were counselors and yet had never been married and never had children. I wondered how I could take their advice seriously, when I would be able to write off everything they said with the old, "Well, they've never lived this out. and they don't know what it's really like outside of the clinical environment." However, I came to repent of that attitude as I realised that they actually had an objective voice (or voices) that I did respect. Moms can tend to view, or skew things in a way that is biased by their own experiences; but these women didn't have that at all.
That being said, I think overall it was a helpful book - but a lot lighter fare than "Wild Things: the Art of Nurturing Boys". Although the authors spoke more about being a Christian parent; they also tended to tell a lot of stories and spend time on what I might call "fluff".
It does go into all the relationships in a girls life: her and her mother, her and her father, her and her siblings, her and her grandparents, etc.. And I think the descriptions of the different developmental stages were pretty accurate. So, the book does get my recommendation - just be aware that there is some "fluff" and that the authors are not parents.
-j-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
wild things - reading list
here is a list of books that the authors of "Wild Things: The Art of Nuturing Boys" suggest for further reading:
Frank Pittman “Fathers and Sons” Psychology Today Sept/oct 1993
The Best Old Movies for Families: A guide to Watching Together by: Ty Burr
“The Way of the Wild Heart” And “Wild at Heart” by Eldredge
By Gurian: “Boys and girls learn differently!”, “The good son”, “The wonder of boys”, “The minds of boys”
“Raising Cain” By: Kindlon and Thompson
“Raising a modern-day knight: a father’s role in guiding his son to authentic manhood” By: Lewis
“Last child in the woods” By: Louv
“Real boys: rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood” By: Pollack
“Adam’s return: 5 promises of male initiation” By: Rohr
Frank Pittman “Fathers and Sons” Psychology Today Sept/oct 1993
The Best Old Movies for Families: A guide to Watching Together by: Ty Burr
“The Way of the Wild Heart” And “Wild at Heart” by Eldredge
By Gurian: “Boys and girls learn differently!”, “The good son”, “The wonder of boys”, “The minds of boys”
“Raising Cain” By: Kindlon and Thompson
“Raising a modern-day knight: a father’s role in guiding his son to authentic manhood” By: Lewis
“Last child in the woods” By: Louv
“Real boys: rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood” By: Pollack
“Adam’s return: 5 promises of male initiation” By: Rohr
Sunday, December 13, 2009
wild things part 3
The Heart of a Boy
This final section of the book is divided up into 4 chapters: Nurturing a Boy’s Heart, A Boy and his Mother, A Boy and his Father, and Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage. The book then ends with a few pages on hot-button topics such as: sex, drugs, porno, ADD, etc..
Near the beginning of this section, they say,
“No guy makes it past seventeen or eighteen without receiving his fair share of dings to his manhood – and that’s if he’s lucky. By the time most guys get their driver’s license, they have already experienced enough emotional and spiritual fender benders that their hearts are dented for years to come…When a guy’s heart has been wounded, the results are significant: Self-protection, distrust of others, suspicion of God, and fervent reliance on the four horsemen of self-sufficiency: training, talent, intellect, and willpower.”
But, they also paint a picture of how hard it can be to relate to a boy – esp. at certain stages. For example, boys can go through a stage of being inarticulate, hardheaded, annoyed, defensive. But, we as parents need to try to break the emotional code and show unconditional love. They suggest different ways to see him for who he is, “name” him (or use positive/loving nicknames to reinforce to him the positive aspects of his identity), and patiently draw him out – being willing to pick your battles when it comes to making a big emotional push. Something big and overwhelming can’t happen all the time, otherwise it will become commonplace and ignorable.
Tips for this section include:
1. Read about him
2. Meet him on his turf.
3. Practice curiosity. Have a jar of questions that you read and ask at the dinner table or at a special brunch.
4. Tell tales about yourself sometimes, esp. to show an example of emotions.
5. Catch him off-guard. Surprise him with a visit to his room and an encouragement.
6. Require him to use his words. Don’t let him off the hook with the whole, “boys will be boys” line of thinking.
7. Show physical affection.
8. Teach him to manage his emotions. Have him think through different options (for example, I could go shoot some hoops if I’m feeling mad, then when I’m not as angry I could talk to my parents or friends or write in a journal)
A Boy and his Mother
“Remember what we said earlier about a mom being the safest place on earth for a boy? Unfortunately, this safety has a downside. It’s called the ‘rubber band phenomenon’. Because a boy feels so safe with mom, he instinctively believes she will never abandon him – no matter what he says or does. Therefore, he starts to believe he can push against his mom emotionally and stretch her out as far as he wants, because she’ll always bounce right back to being that same place of safety. He will be his most tender and his most punishing with her. (As we said before, a mom gets her son’s best and worst).”
James and Thomas outline the 3 biggest mistakes for a mother to make as the following:
1. Being a man-hater. Displaying negative views of masculinity either in how she treats her spouse, comments, or how she reacts to her son. They suggest doing some deep work of counseling and prayer if this deep heart issue is to be resolved for the sake of a son.
2. Being a mother hen. While this is appropriate at a young age, carrying on this over-protective and controlling style into the older ages is really not appropriate.
3. Being too bonded. The extreme of this mistake would be emotional incest. But even the more innocent actions like not respecting privacy, role-reversal (going to a son with personal problems and asking for advice), not approving of any girlfriends, etc. are also damaging. Sons need to become independent in order for individuation to occur.
Tips for moms:
1. Soak it up while he’s young – take a lot of pictures and videos.
2. Don’t panic. Wear a rubber band on your wrist if you need reminding that this is just the rubber band phase.
3. Keep your son’s confidence and honor his privacy.
4. Kidnap him.
5. Be unpredictable.
6. Remember, it’s not about you.
7. Check your heart for negative masculine stereotypes/ bitterness.
8. Stay available to him.
9. Set aside a weekend a year for a mother/son getaway.
10. Respect him.
A Boy and his Father
The authors quote a pretty sad and harsh article from Psychology Today: “For a couple hundred years now, each generation of fathers has passed on less and less to his sons – not just less power, but less wisdom. And less love. We finally reached a point where many fathers were largely irrelevant in the lives of their sons.” After giving a brief history of fatherhood, they continue with some suggestions on how to pass something on as a father. They start with suggesting that a father spend time thinking about the answer to the question: “Where did I learn what it means to be a man?” They believe that thinking through the cultural ideas of “manhood” and their probable own father’s neglect of them, as well as which positive role models they’ve had will be helpful in their journey toward being a powerful father.
They also give some of the following suggestions and tips:
1. Don’t just talk. Do things together.
2. Because all boys struggle with the question, “Do I have what it takes?” – Become a champion and a fan of your son in genuine ways.
3. Impart wisdom like Yoda – especially spiritual wisdom. Boys cannot see Christianity as just a feminine thing.
4. Pass on a legacy.
5. Don’t go it alone – find a community of men to chill with you and your son.
6. Reach out often. This may feel uncomfortable, but it is what a son needs.
7. Have a ritual – especially if it involves something a mother wouldn’t love i.e. pocketknife, shooting range, rock-climbing, camping, surprise taking him out of school, etc..
8. Have some of your son’s friends over for a grill out. Boys like to learn about masculinity in a pack.
Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage
In this section, the authors discuss doing a few special events with sons to teach them a deep lesson. I can’t really divulge any information about this – it’s supposed to be creative and mysterious…
This final section of the book is divided up into 4 chapters: Nurturing a Boy’s Heart, A Boy and his Mother, A Boy and his Father, and Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage. The book then ends with a few pages on hot-button topics such as: sex, drugs, porno, ADD, etc..
Near the beginning of this section, they say,
“No guy makes it past seventeen or eighteen without receiving his fair share of dings to his manhood – and that’s if he’s lucky. By the time most guys get their driver’s license, they have already experienced enough emotional and spiritual fender benders that their hearts are dented for years to come…When a guy’s heart has been wounded, the results are significant: Self-protection, distrust of others, suspicion of God, and fervent reliance on the four horsemen of self-sufficiency: training, talent, intellect, and willpower.”
But, they also paint a picture of how hard it can be to relate to a boy – esp. at certain stages. For example, boys can go through a stage of being inarticulate, hardheaded, annoyed, defensive. But, we as parents need to try to break the emotional code and show unconditional love. They suggest different ways to see him for who he is, “name” him (or use positive/loving nicknames to reinforce to him the positive aspects of his identity), and patiently draw him out – being willing to pick your battles when it comes to making a big emotional push. Something big and overwhelming can’t happen all the time, otherwise it will become commonplace and ignorable.
Tips for this section include:
1. Read about him
2. Meet him on his turf.
3. Practice curiosity. Have a jar of questions that you read and ask at the dinner table or at a special brunch.
4. Tell tales about yourself sometimes, esp. to show an example of emotions.
5. Catch him off-guard. Surprise him with a visit to his room and an encouragement.
6. Require him to use his words. Don’t let him off the hook with the whole, “boys will be boys” line of thinking.
7. Show physical affection.
8. Teach him to manage his emotions. Have him think through different options (for example, I could go shoot some hoops if I’m feeling mad, then when I’m not as angry I could talk to my parents or friends or write in a journal)
A Boy and his Mother
“Remember what we said earlier about a mom being the safest place on earth for a boy? Unfortunately, this safety has a downside. It’s called the ‘rubber band phenomenon’. Because a boy feels so safe with mom, he instinctively believes she will never abandon him – no matter what he says or does. Therefore, he starts to believe he can push against his mom emotionally and stretch her out as far as he wants, because she’ll always bounce right back to being that same place of safety. He will be his most tender and his most punishing with her. (As we said before, a mom gets her son’s best and worst).”
James and Thomas outline the 3 biggest mistakes for a mother to make as the following:
1. Being a man-hater. Displaying negative views of masculinity either in how she treats her spouse, comments, or how she reacts to her son. They suggest doing some deep work of counseling and prayer if this deep heart issue is to be resolved for the sake of a son.
2. Being a mother hen. While this is appropriate at a young age, carrying on this over-protective and controlling style into the older ages is really not appropriate.
3. Being too bonded. The extreme of this mistake would be emotional incest. But even the more innocent actions like not respecting privacy, role-reversal (going to a son with personal problems and asking for advice), not approving of any girlfriends, etc. are also damaging. Sons need to become independent in order for individuation to occur.
Tips for moms:
1. Soak it up while he’s young – take a lot of pictures and videos.
2. Don’t panic. Wear a rubber band on your wrist if you need reminding that this is just the rubber band phase.
3. Keep your son’s confidence and honor his privacy.
4. Kidnap him.
5. Be unpredictable.
6. Remember, it’s not about you.
7. Check your heart for negative masculine stereotypes/ bitterness.
8. Stay available to him.
9. Set aside a weekend a year for a mother/son getaway.
10. Respect him.
A Boy and his Father
The authors quote a pretty sad and harsh article from Psychology Today: “For a couple hundred years now, each generation of fathers has passed on less and less to his sons – not just less power, but less wisdom. And less love. We finally reached a point where many fathers were largely irrelevant in the lives of their sons.” After giving a brief history of fatherhood, they continue with some suggestions on how to pass something on as a father. They start with suggesting that a father spend time thinking about the answer to the question: “Where did I learn what it means to be a man?” They believe that thinking through the cultural ideas of “manhood” and their probable own father’s neglect of them, as well as which positive role models they’ve had will be helpful in their journey toward being a powerful father.
They also give some of the following suggestions and tips:
1. Don’t just talk. Do things together.
2. Because all boys struggle with the question, “Do I have what it takes?” – Become a champion and a fan of your son in genuine ways.
3. Impart wisdom like Yoda – especially spiritual wisdom. Boys cannot see Christianity as just a feminine thing.
4. Pass on a legacy.
5. Don’t go it alone – find a community of men to chill with you and your son.
6. Reach out often. This may feel uncomfortable, but it is what a son needs.
7. Have a ritual – especially if it involves something a mother wouldn’t love i.e. pocketknife, shooting range, rock-climbing, camping, surprise taking him out of school, etc..
8. Have some of your son’s friends over for a grill out. Boys like to learn about masculinity in a pack.
Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage
In this section, the authors discuss doing a few special events with sons to teach them a deep lesson. I can’t really divulge any information about this – it’s supposed to be creative and mysterious…
Saturday, December 12, 2009
wild things part 2
The Mind of a Boy
The first part of this section reviews what a boy's mind is like physiologically, and the theoretical implications of that. It basically puts forth that boys are typically spatial, problem-solving, and may struggle in the schoolroom environment for various reasons. It was interesting, but that subject is explored in much better detail in other books, such as "How to Organize for Your Child's Brain Type".
The next part describes some common mistakes that parents make with sons. They are:
1. Confinement (vs. redirection and open space)
2. Verbal or Emotional Flooding
3. Sparring
4. Rescuing (i.e. telling a teacher not to punish him, etc.)
5. Squelching (i.e. telling your son not to do a creative project, etc.)
6. Shaming
7. Guilt-Tripping
8. Sabotage (unrealistic expectations)
They continue to give some tips on helping to develop a boy's mind:
- Cut out the energy drinks
- Create ways for him to excercise
- Limit TV and video games
- Make sure he gets enough sleep
- Teach him about his emotions
- Read. Read. Read.
- Give yourself a report card - be realistic about yourself as a parent. Ask your friends and/or a spouse for input in this area so that you're not too hard on yourself or to soft.
- Create opportunities for him to use his gifts = games or toys that require problem-solving or spatial skills, imagination, etc..
- Pick his brain
- Plan family movie nights and take turns picking the movie and then talk about it after.
- Volunteer at his school and model service in the community
In the next part, they talk about different learning styles. Then they discuss some of the principles from the popular new book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay. Cline and Fay use military analogies to speak to parenting extremes - "helicopter parents" (parents who hover) and "drill sergeants" (parents who are overly strict).
They close with a section describing the unconvetional things that may teach boys big life lessons - namely: struggle, regret, duty, incompetence, and community.
The first part of this section reviews what a boy's mind is like physiologically, and the theoretical implications of that. It basically puts forth that boys are typically spatial, problem-solving, and may struggle in the schoolroom environment for various reasons. It was interesting, but that subject is explored in much better detail in other books, such as "How to Organize for Your Child's Brain Type".
The next part describes some common mistakes that parents make with sons. They are:
1. Confinement (vs. redirection and open space)
2. Verbal or Emotional Flooding
3. Sparring
4. Rescuing (i.e. telling a teacher not to punish him, etc.)
5. Squelching (i.e. telling your son not to do a creative project, etc.)
6. Shaming
7. Guilt-Tripping
8. Sabotage (unrealistic expectations)
They continue to give some tips on helping to develop a boy's mind:
- Cut out the energy drinks
- Create ways for him to excercise
- Limit TV and video games
- Make sure he gets enough sleep
- Teach him about his emotions
- Read. Read. Read.
- Give yourself a report card - be realistic about yourself as a parent. Ask your friends and/or a spouse for input in this area so that you're not too hard on yourself or to soft.
- Create opportunities for him to use his gifts = games or toys that require problem-solving or spatial skills, imagination, etc..
- Pick his brain
- Plan family movie nights and take turns picking the movie and then talk about it after.
- Volunteer at his school and model service in the community
In the next part, they talk about different learning styles. Then they discuss some of the principles from the popular new book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay. Cline and Fay use military analogies to speak to parenting extremes - "helicopter parents" (parents who hover) and "drill sergeants" (parents who are overly strict).
They close with a section describing the unconvetional things that may teach boys big life lessons - namely: struggle, regret, duty, incompetence, and community.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wild Things - the Art of Nuturing Boys by Stephen James and David Thomas
I've read a bunch of parenting books - but, I must say that this one is one of my faves. When I read it, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with a bunch of fluff. There are great sections on practical areas such as developmental stages, learning, relationships, discipline and more. The book is big - 340 pages - but it is well worth reading all the way through.
The book is divided into 3 sections: The Way of a Boy, The Mind of Boy, and The Heart of a Boy. I'll review each section seperately over the next few days.
Section One: The Way of a Boy
In this section, James and Thomas describe the different developmental stages that a boy goes through. And they give helpful tips for parents at the end of each description.
Age 2-4 The Explorer-They are very active
-They are aggressive and show love through things like wrestling. Tantrums can happen during this stage - which is often a way to communicate a desire like, "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired".
-They are curious and like to learn by doing+touching (kinesthetically).
-They are self-determined, and need some space to do things independantly.
-They need boundaries and re-direction rather than blanket statements. For example, instead of saying, "Stop hitting." - say, "It's not ok to hit your sister, but if you have some extra energy why don't you see how many times you can climb up and down the stairs in 2 minutes."
-They crave and do well in open space.
-They have a short attention span and tend to be internally unstructured - so they thrive in an externally consistent environment. A routined, ritualed schedule is a good thing at this age.
-They need understanding and unconditional love - just like all people need.
Tips:
1. Don't confuse him. Set realistic boundaries.
2. Limit his choices.
3. Anticipate changes and announce transisitions in the daily routine.
4. Set a few straightforward rules that everyone can follow consistently.
5. Demonstrate how you would like hime to behave.
6. Have your discipline make sense.
7. Give him space to roam.
8. Model self-control in your words and actions.
9. Keep it short and simple.
10. Praise him like crazy when he does something right.
Age 5-8 The Lover- They are Tender and kind-hearted in this stage. There is a heightened emotional sensitivity; but it can come out in strange ways. There is often a know-it-all or fearful element to the emotional output that is streaming out during this phase.
- They tend to be much more obedient during this time.
- They have a big attachment to dad at this stage.
- They are very competitive.
- They need reprieve, relationship, routine, and regulation
Tips:
1. Give him lots of love and affection.
2. Reward his good behavior.
3. Get him involved.
4. Focus him outward.
5. Help him with hygiene.
6. Take him to the movies.
7. Encourage his imagination.
8. Take him camping.
9. Plan family game nights.
10. Read "Parenting with Love and Logic"
Age 9-12 The Individual
- They are beginning to look deeply at growing up.
- They are experiencing big shifts in brain and body.
- They like to branch out some and break some rules to gain a feeling of power.
- They tend to do a lot of criticizing.
- They need supervision.
- They respond well to information and straight-shooting.
- They need involvment and positive outlets (i.e. frisbee, paintball, camping, rock climbing, etc..)
Tips:
1. Be intentional with summers.
2. Keep the dialogue going.
3. Engage with him.
4. Enlist his doctor's help.
5. Get ready for an uncomfortable talk.
6. Make him read a book before he sees the movie.
7. Don't follow the crowd.
8. Keep him active.
9. Watch and discuss "A Christmas Story" together.
10. Fasten your seatbelt - there are some changes that can knock you down.
Age 13-17 The Wanderer- There is physiological chaos at this stage.
- They can tend toward arrogance.
- They will hopefully complete the process of individuation (forming his own distinct sense of self). They may go through several phases - goth, jock, pot-smoker, etc..
- They tend to be very argumentative.
- During this stage, he needs other good voices in his life (Not just you!)
- They need outlets still, and understanding.
- They need boundaries, and need you to survive the testing they will do your relationship.
Tips:
1. Call your parents and apologize for what you put them through.
2. Enter his world.
3. Commiserate with him.
4. Don't panic.
5. Partner with another family.
6. Affirm your son as much as you can.
7. Feed him.
8. Suggest that he get a job.
9. Make regular dates with him.
10. Talk with him about dating and romance.
Age 18-22 The Warrior
- They figure out the life-responsibility things like college, job, living situation, friends, etc..
- They are reflective and searching for purpose.
- They can expereince ambivalent attitudes toward different areas of life.
- They need guidance and support from their parents still; but mostly they need freedom.
- They need their parents to be patient with them and give them our blessings.
- They need mentors.
Tips:
1. Don't squash his dreams, even if they are impractical in your opinion.
2. Let him make mistakes and overload.
3. Recover the basics.
4. Welcome his girlfriends with open arms.
5. Do your homework. Know about movies and books he appreciates so you can talk about them.
6. Initiate him.
7. Get him off the sofa.
8. Remember, he's not 12 anymore.
9. Keep your door open.
10. Remember who is king of the castle. It's ok to keep some boundaries about what happens "under your roof".
The book is divided into 3 sections: The Way of a Boy, The Mind of Boy, and The Heart of a Boy. I'll review each section seperately over the next few days.
Section One: The Way of a Boy
In this section, James and Thomas describe the different developmental stages that a boy goes through. And they give helpful tips for parents at the end of each description.
Age 2-4 The Explorer-They are very active
-They are aggressive and show love through things like wrestling. Tantrums can happen during this stage - which is often a way to communicate a desire like, "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired".
-They are curious and like to learn by doing+touching (kinesthetically).
-They are self-determined, and need some space to do things independantly.
-They need boundaries and re-direction rather than blanket statements. For example, instead of saying, "Stop hitting." - say, "It's not ok to hit your sister, but if you have some extra energy why don't you see how many times you can climb up and down the stairs in 2 minutes."
-They crave and do well in open space.
-They have a short attention span and tend to be internally unstructured - so they thrive in an externally consistent environment. A routined, ritualed schedule is a good thing at this age.
-They need understanding and unconditional love - just like all people need.
Tips:
1. Don't confuse him. Set realistic boundaries.
2. Limit his choices.
3. Anticipate changes and announce transisitions in the daily routine.
4. Set a few straightforward rules that everyone can follow consistently.
5. Demonstrate how you would like hime to behave.
6. Have your discipline make sense.
7. Give him space to roam.
8. Model self-control in your words and actions.
9. Keep it short and simple.
10. Praise him like crazy when he does something right.
Age 5-8 The Lover- They are Tender and kind-hearted in this stage. There is a heightened emotional sensitivity; but it can come out in strange ways. There is often a know-it-all or fearful element to the emotional output that is streaming out during this phase.
- They tend to be much more obedient during this time.
- They have a big attachment to dad at this stage.
- They are very competitive.
- They need reprieve, relationship, routine, and regulation
Tips:
1. Give him lots of love and affection.
2. Reward his good behavior.
3. Get him involved.
4. Focus him outward.
5. Help him with hygiene.
6. Take him to the movies.
7. Encourage his imagination.
8. Take him camping.
9. Plan family game nights.
10. Read "Parenting with Love and Logic"
Age 9-12 The Individual
- They are beginning to look deeply at growing up.
- They are experiencing big shifts in brain and body.
- They like to branch out some and break some rules to gain a feeling of power.
- They tend to do a lot of criticizing.
- They need supervision.
- They respond well to information and straight-shooting.
- They need involvment and positive outlets (i.e. frisbee, paintball, camping, rock climbing, etc..)
Tips:
1. Be intentional with summers.
2. Keep the dialogue going.
3. Engage with him.
4. Enlist his doctor's help.
5. Get ready for an uncomfortable talk.
6. Make him read a book before he sees the movie.
7. Don't follow the crowd.
8. Keep him active.
9. Watch and discuss "A Christmas Story" together.
10. Fasten your seatbelt - there are some changes that can knock you down.
Age 13-17 The Wanderer- There is physiological chaos at this stage.
- They can tend toward arrogance.
- They will hopefully complete the process of individuation (forming his own distinct sense of self). They may go through several phases - goth, jock, pot-smoker, etc..
- They tend to be very argumentative.
- During this stage, he needs other good voices in his life (Not just you!)
- They need outlets still, and understanding.
- They need boundaries, and need you to survive the testing they will do your relationship.
Tips:
1. Call your parents and apologize for what you put them through.
2. Enter his world.
3. Commiserate with him.
4. Don't panic.
5. Partner with another family.
6. Affirm your son as much as you can.
7. Feed him.
8. Suggest that he get a job.
9. Make regular dates with him.
10. Talk with him about dating and romance.
Age 18-22 The Warrior
- They figure out the life-responsibility things like college, job, living situation, friends, etc..
- They are reflective and searching for purpose.
- They can expereince ambivalent attitudes toward different areas of life.
- They need guidance and support from their parents still; but mostly they need freedom.
- They need their parents to be patient with them and give them our blessings.
- They need mentors.
Tips:
1. Don't squash his dreams, even if they are impractical in your opinion.
2. Let him make mistakes and overload.
3. Recover the basics.
4. Welcome his girlfriends with open arms.
5. Do your homework. Know about movies and books he appreciates so you can talk about them.
6. Initiate him.
7. Get him off the sofa.
8. Remember, he's not 12 anymore.
9. Keep your door open.
10. Remember who is king of the castle. It's ok to keep some boundaries about what happens "under your roof".
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
NutureShock
I just read an interesting article forwarded to me by my dad called, "The Inverse Power of Praise". It was interesting to think about whether our innocent and nurturing comments, such as: "you're so smart!" might actually have a negative effect in children down the road.
The article suggested praising attributes that children have control over (i.e. "You work so hard") as an alternative to "you're so smart". In several case studies in a NewYork school system this sort of praise/nuture developed better things in the children than the children who were told they just had an innate gift. Dr. Carol Dweck says, " 'I am smart', the kids’ reasoning goes; 'I don’t need to put out effort'. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts. "
The article suggested praising attributes that children have control over (i.e. "You work so hard") as an alternative to "you're so smart". In several case studies in a NewYork school system this sort of praise/nuture developed better things in the children than the children who were told they just had an innate gift. Dr. Carol Dweck says, " 'I am smart', the kids’ reasoning goes; 'I don’t need to put out effort'. Expending effort becomes stigmatized—it’s public proof that you can’t cut it on your natural gifts. "
Saturday, November 21, 2009
martha mccallum challenge group teaching on parenting
Sphere Challenge Group ’09-‘10
A Christian Home - Martha McCallum
1.Evangelism Starts in the Home
a.When God is our first love, we have no problem loving others.
b.Be filled with the Spirit, so that when you talk to your family you have
spiritual power and authority.
2.Breaking
a.Pray this to God: “God, let there be an end to my trying. I’m helpless before
You.” – Murray (Absolute Surrender)
b.Chambers said, “The right to ourselves is the only gift we have to give to
God.” Because everything else we have was given to us, and isn’t ours to give.
3.Hospitality
a.Our hospitality will bring a life of abundance
b.God keeps open house for the universe.
c.Kids are a part of the mission we have. Also, our children take part in our
calling because they are part of the family.
d.An open house takes a lot of time and patience.
4.Sold-out
a.View our whole lives as sold out to God – Don’t compartmentalize.
b.Don’t separate your home-life from the rest of the world; that makes children
more selfish. “Domestic transplants” vs. taking your kids out into the world
with you.
c.Don’t be afraid to hurt your kids feelings by having an event at your house.
d.Don’t make the kosmos the center of your life or the center of your child’s
life. Don’t be engrossed.
5.Education and Community
a.Education is an important value.
b.Enjoy being a part of your community
c.Instead of saying “no” to the watching world, balance it out with the love of
Christ.
d.Be sure you show your children how enjoyable Christ is – He is more important
than worldly temporal things.
6.Sharing
a.Share your Christian burdens and insights with your kids.
b.Share the woes of the spiritual battle, Satan’s attacks, etc..
c.Share feelings.
d.Allow kids to be a part of what you go through, Be open. It’s ok to show them
that we as parents can mis-read things and make mistakes.
7.Teach Stewardship
a.Be positive. Encourage your children.
b.Tell your kids how God has gifted them, and that those things come from God.
c.A stewardship is something used for God’s kingdom. Show children how they
might be used.
d.Show them a lofty vision. “God expects a lot out of you. What will you do with
all the gifts God has given you?”
e.Our attitude toward money should be godly; we shouldn’t love money or cling to
it/ worry about it all the time.
f.We should be generous and giving
g.Parents can become lustful for money and security and transfer that lust to
their children.
h.Don’t be afraid to challenge your kids
8.How to Handle Children’s Sins
a.Fighting, defiance, lazy, peer pressure, disobedience, whining, selfishness,
bad sportsmanship, rebellious, stubborn
b.Be honest with your kids. Maybe even say, “You got that from me.”
c.Be realistic. All are sinful and deserving of hell. But God loves and saves
us – and that’s why we give our lives to Him.
d.Paint a vision for how the defects they have could be used in a positive way.
e.Let them know that lying is futile. Your sins will find you out.
f.Give examples of how you changed through the years.
g.The biggest mistake to make here = ignoring sins, “protecting” them from other
kids and authorities, pretending.
h.Another mistake = nit-picking
i.Stick to moral issues, and be positive in discipline.
j.Wait, do not lose your temper. But if you do, apologize.
9.Heritage
a.Train them to be godly and effective
b.Teach them about leadership, being unselfish, and outward-focused.
c.Show them that a life with God is the most exciting life there is.
d.Lead in good, not in evil.
e.Have good friends and pray together as prayer partners.
A Christian Home - Martha McCallum
1.Evangelism Starts in the Home
a.When God is our first love, we have no problem loving others.
b.Be filled with the Spirit, so that when you talk to your family you have
spiritual power and authority.
2.Breaking
a.Pray this to God: “God, let there be an end to my trying. I’m helpless before
You.” – Murray (Absolute Surrender)
b.Chambers said, “The right to ourselves is the only gift we have to give to
God.” Because everything else we have was given to us, and isn’t ours to give.
3.Hospitality
a.Our hospitality will bring a life of abundance
b.God keeps open house for the universe.
c.Kids are a part of the mission we have. Also, our children take part in our
calling because they are part of the family.
d.An open house takes a lot of time and patience.
4.Sold-out
a.View our whole lives as sold out to God – Don’t compartmentalize.
b.Don’t separate your home-life from the rest of the world; that makes children
more selfish. “Domestic transplants” vs. taking your kids out into the world
with you.
c.Don’t be afraid to hurt your kids feelings by having an event at your house.
d.Don’t make the kosmos the center of your life or the center of your child’s
life. Don’t be engrossed.
5.Education and Community
a.Education is an important value.
b.Enjoy being a part of your community
c.Instead of saying “no” to the watching world, balance it out with the love of
Christ.
d.Be sure you show your children how enjoyable Christ is – He is more important
than worldly temporal things.
6.Sharing
a.Share your Christian burdens and insights with your kids.
b.Share the woes of the spiritual battle, Satan’s attacks, etc..
c.Share feelings.
d.Allow kids to be a part of what you go through, Be open. It’s ok to show them
that we as parents can mis-read things and make mistakes.
7.Teach Stewardship
a.Be positive. Encourage your children.
b.Tell your kids how God has gifted them, and that those things come from God.
c.A stewardship is something used for God’s kingdom. Show children how they
might be used.
d.Show them a lofty vision. “God expects a lot out of you. What will you do with
all the gifts God has given you?”
e.Our attitude toward money should be godly; we shouldn’t love money or cling to
it/ worry about it all the time.
f.We should be generous and giving
g.Parents can become lustful for money and security and transfer that lust to
their children.
h.Don’t be afraid to challenge your kids
8.How to Handle Children’s Sins
a.Fighting, defiance, lazy, peer pressure, disobedience, whining, selfishness,
bad sportsmanship, rebellious, stubborn
b.Be honest with your kids. Maybe even say, “You got that from me.”
c.Be realistic. All are sinful and deserving of hell. But God loves and saves
us – and that’s why we give our lives to Him.
d.Paint a vision for how the defects they have could be used in a positive way.
e.Let them know that lying is futile. Your sins will find you out.
f.Give examples of how you changed through the years.
g.The biggest mistake to make here = ignoring sins, “protecting” them from other
kids and authorities, pretending.
h.Another mistake = nit-picking
i.Stick to moral issues, and be positive in discipline.
j.Wait, do not lose your temper. But if you do, apologize.
9.Heritage
a.Train them to be godly and effective
b.Teach them about leadership, being unselfish, and outward-focused.
c.Show them that a life with God is the most exciting life there is.
d.Lead in good, not in evil.
e.Have good friends and pray together as prayer partners.
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