The Heart of a Boy
This final section of the book is divided up into 4 chapters: Nurturing a Boy’s Heart, A Boy and his Mother, A Boy and his Father, and Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage. The book then ends with a few pages on hot-button topics such as: sex, drugs, porno, ADD, etc..
Near the beginning of this section, they say,
“No guy makes it past seventeen or eighteen without receiving his fair share of dings to his manhood – and that’s if he’s lucky. By the time most guys get their driver’s license, they have already experienced enough emotional and spiritual fender benders that their hearts are dented for years to come…When a guy’s heart has been wounded, the results are significant: Self-protection, distrust of others, suspicion of God, and fervent reliance on the four horsemen of self-sufficiency: training, talent, intellect, and willpower.”
But, they also paint a picture of how hard it can be to relate to a boy – esp. at certain stages. For example, boys can go through a stage of being inarticulate, hardheaded, annoyed, defensive. But, we as parents need to try to break the emotional code and show unconditional love. They suggest different ways to see him for who he is, “name” him (or use positive/loving nicknames to reinforce to him the positive aspects of his identity), and patiently draw him out – being willing to pick your battles when it comes to making a big emotional push. Something big and overwhelming can’t happen all the time, otherwise it will become commonplace and ignorable.
Tips for this section include:
1. Read about him
2. Meet him on his turf.
3. Practice curiosity. Have a jar of questions that you read and ask at the dinner table or at a special brunch.
4. Tell tales about yourself sometimes, esp. to show an example of emotions.
5. Catch him off-guard. Surprise him with a visit to his room and an encouragement.
6. Require him to use his words. Don’t let him off the hook with the whole, “boys will be boys” line of thinking.
7. Show physical affection.
8. Teach him to manage his emotions. Have him think through different options (for example, I could go shoot some hoops if I’m feeling mad, then when I’m not as angry I could talk to my parents or friends or write in a journal)
A Boy and his Mother
“Remember what we said earlier about a mom being the safest place on earth for a boy? Unfortunately, this safety has a downside. It’s called the ‘rubber band phenomenon’. Because a boy feels so safe with mom, he instinctively believes she will never abandon him – no matter what he says or does. Therefore, he starts to believe he can push against his mom emotionally and stretch her out as far as he wants, because she’ll always bounce right back to being that same place of safety. He will be his most tender and his most punishing with her. (As we said before, a mom gets her son’s best and worst).”
James and Thomas outline the 3 biggest mistakes for a mother to make as the following:
1. Being a man-hater. Displaying negative views of masculinity either in how she treats her spouse, comments, or how she reacts to her son. They suggest doing some deep work of counseling and prayer if this deep heart issue is to be resolved for the sake of a son.
2. Being a mother hen. While this is appropriate at a young age, carrying on this over-protective and controlling style into the older ages is really not appropriate.
3. Being too bonded. The extreme of this mistake would be emotional incest. But even the more innocent actions like not respecting privacy, role-reversal (going to a son with personal problems and asking for advice), not approving of any girlfriends, etc. are also damaging. Sons need to become independent in order for individuation to occur.
Tips for moms:
1. Soak it up while he’s young – take a lot of pictures and videos.
2. Don’t panic. Wear a rubber band on your wrist if you need reminding that this is just the rubber band phase.
3. Keep your son’s confidence and honor his privacy.
4. Kidnap him.
5. Be unpredictable.
6. Remember, it’s not about you.
7. Check your heart for negative masculine stereotypes/ bitterness.
8. Stay available to him.
9. Set aside a weekend a year for a mother/son getaway.
10. Respect him.
A Boy and his Father
The authors quote a pretty sad and harsh article from Psychology Today: “For a couple hundred years now, each generation of fathers has passed on less and less to his sons – not just less power, but less wisdom. And less love. We finally reached a point where many fathers were largely irrelevant in the lives of their sons.” After giving a brief history of fatherhood, they continue with some suggestions on how to pass something on as a father. They start with suggesting that a father spend time thinking about the answer to the question: “Where did I learn what it means to be a man?” They believe that thinking through the cultural ideas of “manhood” and their probable own father’s neglect of them, as well as which positive role models they’ve had will be helpful in their journey toward being a powerful father.
They also give some of the following suggestions and tips:
1. Don’t just talk. Do things together.
2. Because all boys struggle with the question, “Do I have what it takes?” – Become a champion and a fan of your son in genuine ways.
3. Impart wisdom like Yoda – especially spiritual wisdom. Boys cannot see Christianity as just a feminine thing.
4. Pass on a legacy.
5. Don’t go it alone – find a community of men to chill with you and your son.
6. Reach out often. This may feel uncomfortable, but it is what a son needs.
7. Have a ritual – especially if it involves something a mother wouldn’t love i.e. pocketknife, shooting range, rock-climbing, camping, surprise taking him out of school, etc..
8. Have some of your son’s friends over for a grill out. Boys like to learn about masculinity in a pack.
Rituals, Ceremonies, and Rites of Passage
In this section, the authors discuss doing a few special events with sons to teach them a deep lesson. I can’t really divulge any information about this – it’s supposed to be creative and mysterious…
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
wild things part 2
The Mind of a Boy
The first part of this section reviews what a boy's mind is like physiologically, and the theoretical implications of that. It basically puts forth that boys are typically spatial, problem-solving, and may struggle in the schoolroom environment for various reasons. It was interesting, but that subject is explored in much better detail in other books, such as "How to Organize for Your Child's Brain Type".
The next part describes some common mistakes that parents make with sons. They are:
1. Confinement (vs. redirection and open space)
2. Verbal or Emotional Flooding
3. Sparring
4. Rescuing (i.e. telling a teacher not to punish him, etc.)
5. Squelching (i.e. telling your son not to do a creative project, etc.)
6. Shaming
7. Guilt-Tripping
8. Sabotage (unrealistic expectations)
They continue to give some tips on helping to develop a boy's mind:
- Cut out the energy drinks
- Create ways for him to excercise
- Limit TV and video games
- Make sure he gets enough sleep
- Teach him about his emotions
- Read. Read. Read.
- Give yourself a report card - be realistic about yourself as a parent. Ask your friends and/or a spouse for input in this area so that you're not too hard on yourself or to soft.
- Create opportunities for him to use his gifts = games or toys that require problem-solving or spatial skills, imagination, etc..
- Pick his brain
- Plan family movie nights and take turns picking the movie and then talk about it after.
- Volunteer at his school and model service in the community
In the next part, they talk about different learning styles. Then they discuss some of the principles from the popular new book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay. Cline and Fay use military analogies to speak to parenting extremes - "helicopter parents" (parents who hover) and "drill sergeants" (parents who are overly strict).
They close with a section describing the unconvetional things that may teach boys big life lessons - namely: struggle, regret, duty, incompetence, and community.
The first part of this section reviews what a boy's mind is like physiologically, and the theoretical implications of that. It basically puts forth that boys are typically spatial, problem-solving, and may struggle in the schoolroom environment for various reasons. It was interesting, but that subject is explored in much better detail in other books, such as "How to Organize for Your Child's Brain Type".
The next part describes some common mistakes that parents make with sons. They are:
1. Confinement (vs. redirection and open space)
2. Verbal or Emotional Flooding
3. Sparring
4. Rescuing (i.e. telling a teacher not to punish him, etc.)
5. Squelching (i.e. telling your son not to do a creative project, etc.)
6. Shaming
7. Guilt-Tripping
8. Sabotage (unrealistic expectations)
They continue to give some tips on helping to develop a boy's mind:
- Cut out the energy drinks
- Create ways for him to excercise
- Limit TV and video games
- Make sure he gets enough sleep
- Teach him about his emotions
- Read. Read. Read.
- Give yourself a report card - be realistic about yourself as a parent. Ask your friends and/or a spouse for input in this area so that you're not too hard on yourself or to soft.
- Create opportunities for him to use his gifts = games or toys that require problem-solving or spatial skills, imagination, etc..
- Pick his brain
- Plan family movie nights and take turns picking the movie and then talk about it after.
- Volunteer at his school and model service in the community
In the next part, they talk about different learning styles. Then they discuss some of the principles from the popular new book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay. Cline and Fay use military analogies to speak to parenting extremes - "helicopter parents" (parents who hover) and "drill sergeants" (parents who are overly strict).
They close with a section describing the unconvetional things that may teach boys big life lessons - namely: struggle, regret, duty, incompetence, and community.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wild Things - the Art of Nuturing Boys by Stephen James and David Thomas
I've read a bunch of parenting books - but, I must say that this one is one of my faves. When I read it, I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with a bunch of fluff. There are great sections on practical areas such as developmental stages, learning, relationships, discipline and more. The book is big - 340 pages - but it is well worth reading all the way through.
The book is divided into 3 sections: The Way of a Boy, The Mind of Boy, and The Heart of a Boy. I'll review each section seperately over the next few days.
Section One: The Way of a Boy
In this section, James and Thomas describe the different developmental stages that a boy goes through. And they give helpful tips for parents at the end of each description.
Age 2-4 The Explorer-They are very active
-They are aggressive and show love through things like wrestling. Tantrums can happen during this stage - which is often a way to communicate a desire like, "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired".
-They are curious and like to learn by doing+touching (kinesthetically).
-They are self-determined, and need some space to do things independantly.
-They need boundaries and re-direction rather than blanket statements. For example, instead of saying, "Stop hitting." - say, "It's not ok to hit your sister, but if you have some extra energy why don't you see how many times you can climb up and down the stairs in 2 minutes."
-They crave and do well in open space.
-They have a short attention span and tend to be internally unstructured - so they thrive in an externally consistent environment. A routined, ritualed schedule is a good thing at this age.
-They need understanding and unconditional love - just like all people need.
Tips:
1. Don't confuse him. Set realistic boundaries.
2. Limit his choices.
3. Anticipate changes and announce transisitions in the daily routine.
4. Set a few straightforward rules that everyone can follow consistently.
5. Demonstrate how you would like hime to behave.
6. Have your discipline make sense.
7. Give him space to roam.
8. Model self-control in your words and actions.
9. Keep it short and simple.
10. Praise him like crazy when he does something right.
Age 5-8 The Lover- They are Tender and kind-hearted in this stage. There is a heightened emotional sensitivity; but it can come out in strange ways. There is often a know-it-all or fearful element to the emotional output that is streaming out during this phase.
- They tend to be much more obedient during this time.
- They have a big attachment to dad at this stage.
- They are very competitive.
- They need reprieve, relationship, routine, and regulation
Tips:
1. Give him lots of love and affection.
2. Reward his good behavior.
3. Get him involved.
4. Focus him outward.
5. Help him with hygiene.
6. Take him to the movies.
7. Encourage his imagination.
8. Take him camping.
9. Plan family game nights.
10. Read "Parenting with Love and Logic"
Age 9-12 The Individual
- They are beginning to look deeply at growing up.
- They are experiencing big shifts in brain and body.
- They like to branch out some and break some rules to gain a feeling of power.
- They tend to do a lot of criticizing.
- They need supervision.
- They respond well to information and straight-shooting.
- They need involvment and positive outlets (i.e. frisbee, paintball, camping, rock climbing, etc..)
Tips:
1. Be intentional with summers.
2. Keep the dialogue going.
3. Engage with him.
4. Enlist his doctor's help.
5. Get ready for an uncomfortable talk.
6. Make him read a book before he sees the movie.
7. Don't follow the crowd.
8. Keep him active.
9. Watch and discuss "A Christmas Story" together.
10. Fasten your seatbelt - there are some changes that can knock you down.
Age 13-17 The Wanderer- There is physiological chaos at this stage.
- They can tend toward arrogance.
- They will hopefully complete the process of individuation (forming his own distinct sense of self). They may go through several phases - goth, jock, pot-smoker, etc..
- They tend to be very argumentative.
- During this stage, he needs other good voices in his life (Not just you!)
- They need outlets still, and understanding.
- They need boundaries, and need you to survive the testing they will do your relationship.
Tips:
1. Call your parents and apologize for what you put them through.
2. Enter his world.
3. Commiserate with him.
4. Don't panic.
5. Partner with another family.
6. Affirm your son as much as you can.
7. Feed him.
8. Suggest that he get a job.
9. Make regular dates with him.
10. Talk with him about dating and romance.
Age 18-22 The Warrior
- They figure out the life-responsibility things like college, job, living situation, friends, etc..
- They are reflective and searching for purpose.
- They can expereince ambivalent attitudes toward different areas of life.
- They need guidance and support from their parents still; but mostly they need freedom.
- They need their parents to be patient with them and give them our blessings.
- They need mentors.
Tips:
1. Don't squash his dreams, even if they are impractical in your opinion.
2. Let him make mistakes and overload.
3. Recover the basics.
4. Welcome his girlfriends with open arms.
5. Do your homework. Know about movies and books he appreciates so you can talk about them.
6. Initiate him.
7. Get him off the sofa.
8. Remember, he's not 12 anymore.
9. Keep your door open.
10. Remember who is king of the castle. It's ok to keep some boundaries about what happens "under your roof".
The book is divided into 3 sections: The Way of a Boy, The Mind of Boy, and The Heart of a Boy. I'll review each section seperately over the next few days.
Section One: The Way of a Boy
In this section, James and Thomas describe the different developmental stages that a boy goes through. And they give helpful tips for parents at the end of each description.
Age 2-4 The Explorer-They are very active
-They are aggressive and show love through things like wrestling. Tantrums can happen during this stage - which is often a way to communicate a desire like, "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired".
-They are curious and like to learn by doing+touching (kinesthetically).
-They are self-determined, and need some space to do things independantly.
-They need boundaries and re-direction rather than blanket statements. For example, instead of saying, "Stop hitting." - say, "It's not ok to hit your sister, but if you have some extra energy why don't you see how many times you can climb up and down the stairs in 2 minutes."
-They crave and do well in open space.
-They have a short attention span and tend to be internally unstructured - so they thrive in an externally consistent environment. A routined, ritualed schedule is a good thing at this age.
-They need understanding and unconditional love - just like all people need.
Tips:
1. Don't confuse him. Set realistic boundaries.
2. Limit his choices.
3. Anticipate changes and announce transisitions in the daily routine.
4. Set a few straightforward rules that everyone can follow consistently.
5. Demonstrate how you would like hime to behave.
6. Have your discipline make sense.
7. Give him space to roam.
8. Model self-control in your words and actions.
9. Keep it short and simple.
10. Praise him like crazy when he does something right.
Age 5-8 The Lover- They are Tender and kind-hearted in this stage. There is a heightened emotional sensitivity; but it can come out in strange ways. There is often a know-it-all or fearful element to the emotional output that is streaming out during this phase.
- They tend to be much more obedient during this time.
- They have a big attachment to dad at this stage.
- They are very competitive.
- They need reprieve, relationship, routine, and regulation
Tips:
1. Give him lots of love and affection.
2. Reward his good behavior.
3. Get him involved.
4. Focus him outward.
5. Help him with hygiene.
6. Take him to the movies.
7. Encourage his imagination.
8. Take him camping.
9. Plan family game nights.
10. Read "Parenting with Love and Logic"
Age 9-12 The Individual
- They are beginning to look deeply at growing up.
- They are experiencing big shifts in brain and body.
- They like to branch out some and break some rules to gain a feeling of power.
- They tend to do a lot of criticizing.
- They need supervision.
- They respond well to information and straight-shooting.
- They need involvment and positive outlets (i.e. frisbee, paintball, camping, rock climbing, etc..)
Tips:
1. Be intentional with summers.
2. Keep the dialogue going.
3. Engage with him.
4. Enlist his doctor's help.
5. Get ready for an uncomfortable talk.
6. Make him read a book before he sees the movie.
7. Don't follow the crowd.
8. Keep him active.
9. Watch and discuss "A Christmas Story" together.
10. Fasten your seatbelt - there are some changes that can knock you down.
Age 13-17 The Wanderer- There is physiological chaos at this stage.
- They can tend toward arrogance.
- They will hopefully complete the process of individuation (forming his own distinct sense of self). They may go through several phases - goth, jock, pot-smoker, etc..
- They tend to be very argumentative.
- During this stage, he needs other good voices in his life (Not just you!)
- They need outlets still, and understanding.
- They need boundaries, and need you to survive the testing they will do your relationship.
Tips:
1. Call your parents and apologize for what you put them through.
2. Enter his world.
3. Commiserate with him.
4. Don't panic.
5. Partner with another family.
6. Affirm your son as much as you can.
7. Feed him.
8. Suggest that he get a job.
9. Make regular dates with him.
10. Talk with him about dating and romance.
Age 18-22 The Warrior
- They figure out the life-responsibility things like college, job, living situation, friends, etc..
- They are reflective and searching for purpose.
- They can expereince ambivalent attitudes toward different areas of life.
- They need guidance and support from their parents still; but mostly they need freedom.
- They need their parents to be patient with them and give them our blessings.
- They need mentors.
Tips:
1. Don't squash his dreams, even if they are impractical in your opinion.
2. Let him make mistakes and overload.
3. Recover the basics.
4. Welcome his girlfriends with open arms.
5. Do your homework. Know about movies and books he appreciates so you can talk about them.
6. Initiate him.
7. Get him off the sofa.
8. Remember, he's not 12 anymore.
9. Keep your door open.
10. Remember who is king of the castle. It's ok to keep some boundaries about what happens "under your roof".
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